Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Just a fair warning... I'm venting, because I always feel better after I write all my feelings out..

It's that time of year, yes it's Christmas time, as well as college finals. I haven't been too worried about them, but when I came back from Thanksgiving break my body realized the stress before my brain did. When I am stressed I have very VERY strange dreams. For example, last night I dreamed that I was in the shower and I was washing my body and when I looked down my stomach was covered in dark disgusting hair! So I grabbed my razor to shave it off and one swipe the hair made my razor dull so I could not even shave the rest of it! It was nasty, I woke up and checked my stomach for hair. And even when I showered I was afraid to look down at my stomach for fear that my dream was true! hahaha! See what I mean.... VERY STRANGE. So after a week of strange dreams like this, I finally clued in to the fact that I was stressed.
This fact was only enforced by what was said in my Wednesday classes. I went to math only to find out that I have a practice final next week, and then in two weeks (December 15) was my math final from 12-2. Then in my Theatre class I was told that in two weeks we had to perform a scene and that would be my final,(Wednesday, the 15th from 230-430) as well as next week I have a quiz on chapters of the book that I never bought. Then in Biology I was told that I have a regular test on Mon/Tues on 4 chapters, as well as a comprehensive Human Bio final the week of December 13. My Human Biology LAB final is next Wednesday (December 8) as well. And my English paper was due on Tuesday and I slept through class as well as never writing the paper. And I read the assignment sheet for my paper and it is part of my final, which only sent me into almost panic mode. I wrote the paper, and it's decent just not "Final" paper ready.
What fully put me into panic mode is what I subconsciously did. Today, I woke up at 830 and I've had my Ipod on and earphones in all day except while I was in class. I avoided any serious conversation with friends. I basically avoided social contact. And this isn't just today, it's been all week. This isn't like me, I like to talk and listen. But I honestly can't do it. Music is my escape, and I didn't even realize I was making sure that I was listening to music. ALL DAY. Mainly my happy play list which is all soundtracks from musicals. This is not normal. So I am all panicky tonight.
And it doesn't help that I'm having issues with my apartment. Not my roommates, at all. I love them dearly. But I guess I feel like I am not safe in my apartment. I'm safe physically, but I'm not safe emotionally or spiritually. Let me explain... at college I meet many people, some good and some not so good. Well, there is this one guy who've I met and have had some great discussions with. He's a good guy, but he made a bad decision over Thanksgiving break that I never thought he would make. And ever since then, every time I am in the same room as him, I feel my spirit being attacked. That's the best way to describe it. It's a weird feeling because nothing is being said that would effect my spirit. I'm not put into positions or incidences that would normally attack my spirit. This guy is a wonderful guy, but I feel as if something dark is always with him now. I don't like it, so I flee. I go to the library, I retreat to my room. I haven't talked to my roommate in a few days and I keep making excuses not to be around them. I'm scared. So this on top of everything else has made me stressed.
I've been stressed before, so it is no stranger to me, but this time I feel as if I don't know how to handle it. I talked to my mom for about 45 minutes about it all and she gave me great advice and encouragement. I just wish everything wasn't all at once. But I do know that Heavenly Father won't give me more than I can handle. So, I know that I can make it through this. I just wish I could see HOW. (Haha! Wouldn't that be nice.)

1 comment:

Arreana said...

wow sorry your so stressed out elora! hope everything turns out okay :) i'm very positive your finals will be great cuz your a very smart girl. love your forever and miss you tons!!